Shit Happens….

hmm… complicated things happen… but they sure bring so much joy and contentment in my life. then again, it’s also something that brings sleepless nights and uncertainty…

im feeling anhedonic lately..

meaning, i can’t take pleasure on those things that i previously enjoy on doing…

maybe it’s the stress of too much piled-up works at school.

socio project

ms reporting

psych presentation

RLE biblio

PCR

stat

and everything in between…

i really feel like there’s so little time and energy for me to do all this things. add to that the other stressors bought about by people who don’t understand.. those who don’t care.

at the same time, i had seen my work (art related) be appreciated by people.. making tarps, wallpapers and themes out of it (thanks ~alien-hater and ~SumairyJin). when i see their messages and comments, i can’t say i did not feel happy but after that.. what’s next…

nothing…

nothing…

NOTHING.

emptiness that radiated from deep inside. waiting to be filled by something which i do not know. hoping to be replaced by something…instead of nothing…

as the song said:

          "maybe if my heart stops beating, it won’t hurt this much…"

i admit! i’m having malicious thoughts about ending this borrowed time. but i get startled at the same thought… making me realize.."what am i thinking?!"

too many rooms and spaces have been collaterally built by myself.. following the rules of anatomy, collateral circulation only forms when the primary paths are dysfunctional.. I AM DYSFUNCTIONAL!

i have transformed into someone that i myself don’t recognize. having frequent bouts of just staring in nothingness, running random thoughts that make me yearn for more thinking. being engrosed to unrealistic realities..

help..

things to achieve this 2007!

1. first and foremost, forget everything bad that happened on 2006…

2. pass psych, stat and ms

3. be more gorgeous

4. work out "interpersonal relations"… (hi mahal!!)

5. a wacom intuos drawing tablet - 12×9in

6. lose weight

7. complete my OR/DR requirements

8. be more mature

9. save money for places and stuffs…

10. have a happy new year!!!

i just can’t get you out of my head

BEAR you’re loving is all I think about….

L.A L.A L.A L.A L.A L.A L.A L.A

L.A L.A L.A L.A L.A L.A L.A L.A

Ikaw ay nagdaramdam
Puso ay nagdurugo
Hindi mo yata alam kung san ka patungo
Ikaw ay naliligaw
Isip ay nalilito
Ayaw mo ng gumalaw
Hindi ka sigurado…

sa sobrang dami at hindi mabilang na dahilan para maging masaya ang tao … hindi ko ma-gets kung bakit ang iba e nadadiagnose parin ng depression. siguro kasi, hindi nila alam kung san sisimulan. naku, ngiti lang tapos susunod na lahat yan… go lang ng go.. ipagsawalang bahala kung anong sasabihin ng tao sau…

Ikaw ay napupuwing
Minsan nabubulagan
Mata ay nakapiring
Daan ay kadiliman
Ikaw ay nadadapa
Napipilayan din
Di makapagsalita
Anung ibig sabihin?

sinong magsasabing maganda ka… kundi ikaw sinong magsasabing pangit ka… kundi ikaw pa rin. pano ka makikita ng ibang tao sa likas mong ganda kung ikaw sinasabi at inuukit mo sa kukote mo na pangit ka? nako… maaga kang tatanda… walang may karapatang magsabi kung sino ka dahil sa itsura mo o sa damit at accessories na gamit mo.. pati sa pananalita mo…

Ikaw ay nawawala
Minsan ay nawawalan
Di ka naniniwala
Puno ng alinlangan
Ikaw ay nanliliit
Ligtas ka ba sa rehas
Bakit ka nakapiit?
Bakit ka tumatakas?

e ano kung mag-isa ka ngayon? bukas ba ganun pa rin? e bakit pa sinabing "bukas" yon kung parehas din naman pala ng "ngayon"? sigurado ka bang may bukas pa? kung wala na, nagawa mo ba lahat ng gusto mong gawin? nasabi mo ba lahat ng gusto mong sabihin? napuntahan mo na ba lahat ng gusto mong puntahan? kuntento ka ba sa buhay na ngayon na magtatapos? san ka pupulutin kung hindi mo gagawin lahat ng paraan para maging masaya ang buhay mo? ikaw lang makakapagpasya kung anong klaseng buhay ang meron ka… hindi mo pwedeng iasa sa iba ang kasiyahan at kalungkutan mo…

Ikaw ay natatakot
Parang walang hangganan
Ang kirot ng bangungot
Di mo makalimutan
Ikaw ay nanlulumo
Bilang na ba ang araw?
Gusto mo ng sumuko,
Mundo ay nagugunaw

mag-isa kang pinanganak, mag-isa ka ring mamamatay at uuudin sa lupa kung san ka ginawa… lahat ng nangyari sa buhay mo ay  kasalanan o kagagawan mo.. ikaw ang nagdisisyon sa lahat ng yon… wala kang pwedeng sisihing iba. kung may iba mang "nabuhay" sa buhay mo e dahil yon sa hinayaan mo sila… kung dahil sa udyok nila kaya ka nagdroga, e hindi naman nila ilong o bibig ang humithit non para sayo… kung nabuntis ka ng maaga dahil pinilit ka… e gaga! nagpapilit ka naman!

Ikaw ay inaalon
Walang kalaban-laban
Tuluyang nalulunod
Tungo sa kalaliman
Ikaw ay nalulula
Agad kang nahuhulog
Babagsak sa lupa
At biglang madudurog.

eto nga, nililibing ka na? lahat ba lumuluha kasi wala ka na? pano mo nalang hindi tears of joy yun? nako,,, hindi nasusukat ang buhay ng tao sa dami ng pera o bagay na naipundar nya habang buhay pa siya… nakikita yon sa dami ng luhang pumatak dahil sa wala na siya at patunay na malaking kawalan ang "pagkatao" nya sa mga naiwan… "pagkatao" hindi materyal kundi yung presensya mismo…

Ikaw ay nagdurusa
Kaya pa bang tumagal
Hindi na makahinga
Lalo pang nasasakal
Ikaw ay dumadaing
Dala mo ba ay sumpa
Para kang ililibing
At ipinagluluksa

thinking.. and looking back to the days when i was stable, i saw myself with this person. We looked happy for 2yrs and 3months (7months including the official break-up thingy). but after a year, things started to dwindle piece by piece. then it happened, uncontrollably, unseen…

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right now, i can say i’m more happy and contented than how i felt for the past year. inhibitions about meeting new people flew away with the promise of a new found life…and love…

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but things don’t seem easy… i find myself being on the verge of expecting things from these people that i meet… let me relay som examples…

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bear is the person closest to my heart now… before i went to the US we used to talk and laugh about things… he was the one who ignited the seemingly inconspicuous flame in me… but then, when i came back, things started to be complicated. he is now courting somebody…

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then here is a "friend", i told myself to stop thinking about him because a friend of mine also got the looks for him. walang talo talo sa barkada, they say… but its hard… being  a complete gentleman with matching looks, who could resist? we are now in this degree of closeness when he started to pour his heart out to me. seems like he is in a dilemma, loving someone who does not love him in return… if i could only say that im willing to accept that love… but no, i can’t risk another rejection…

.

last night, i went out to the movies with a friend. he’s a dentist and a gentleman at my perusal. being a man of age, i can’t say that he has no expectations whatsoever, so im kinda scared just a bit…

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caliraya is a paradise, literally and figuratively. the people i met there gave a new meanign to meeting new people. i made freinds with lots of them. 4 stood out to be great companions. but then, they’re so near,,, yet so far…

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when will i touch heaven? will it embrace me as i did to it before? will past experiences be a hindrance to the future? so many questions but the answers are too few. i can’t stay this way forever…

Pagkatapos kong magbasa ng 4 na libro no Bob Ong, naisip ko kung talaga bang bobo ang mga Pilipino. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, "Hindi, kasi kung bobo ang pinoy, bobo din ako ksi pinoy ako". Simple matematiks.

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Hindi bobo ang pinoy. May pagkatanga at manhid nga lang. Madaming mga issue sa bansa ngayon na parang pinapagwalang-bahala lang ng ilan nating mga kababayan. Siguro kasi sanay na sila. Siguro kasi nagsawa na sila sa paulit-ulit na takbo ng pamamahala. Siguro pinapasa-Diyos na lang nila… "Siguro"… Pero siguro din, wala silang pakialam. Lalo na ang mga may kayang mamamayan na hindi naapektuhan pag tumaas ang mga bilihin. Yung mga walang problema kasi sigurado silang may kakainin sila mamayang hapunan. Yung mga nagrereklamo sa 450,000 php na sinusweldo nila buwan-buwan at yung mga taong pinalilibutan ng body guards pag lumalabas sila ng kanilang tahanan.

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Madalas nating makita sa telebisyon ngayon ang mga grupo ng tao na nagrarally kung saan saan. Nung isang gabi, napanood ko sa balita ang mga grupo ng kabataan na nagrally sa Morayta. Kinailangan silang i-disperse ng mga pulis. Yung mga pulis, may "shield" tsaka yung mga pamalo. Yung mga bata, boses lang ang panlaban. Walang magawa kundi isigaw ang kanilang mga hinain habang tinutulak at walang habas silang hinhampas ng kahoy ng mga pulis. Kahit ang mga gumilid na sa kalye ay hindi parin nakatakas na pamamalo. Lalaki o babae, walang pinipili ang mga yantok na pamalo. Police brutality? Sabi ng isang pulis na nainterview, wala daw permit ang mga nagrarally at possible cause daw ng damage ang gagawin nila. Damage saan? nakasira ba ang boses nila? "Walang permit, kailangan i-disperse"… bakit walang permit? Sino ang nagbibigay ng permit? Sino ang may hawak sa magbibigay ng permit?…

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Mga pulitikong puro pangako pag panahon ng kampanya. Kunyari naiintindihan ang hinaing ng pinoy. Nakikikain sa publiko, nakikihalubilo kahit mainit, nakikipag-usap sa lengguaheng naiintindihan ng lahat. Pero pag nasa pwesto na, nasaan na sila? Kumakain sa mga mamahaling kainan, nasa loob ng magagara nilang kotse o sa loob ng mga de-aircon na kwarto, o nagbibigay ng public speech na salin sa inggles. Inggles na hindi naiintindihan ng marami dahil hindi nakapag-aral… dahil walang pondo ang pamahalaan…dahil sa maling paggamit ng o dibisyon ng budget… dahil nabawasan na ito ng pambayad utang… dahil nabawasan na ito at napunta na ang miltong milyong piso sa mga bulsa at swiss account na may pangalan ng yumao na….

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madami pa sana akong sasabihin… pero dahil tanga ang ilan, baka hindi nila na-gets ang gusto kong iparating…

… u  must…

as almost all of my frinds already know… (add sis vinoya to the list) im really not into religion… or to its traditions rather…

but let me get it straight before anything else ok… i believe in God… i believe that He is the one true source of everything good…

but, i am not into doing things that others may be finding "the religious way" of venerating the God that created us all… the way other people are doing it isn’t just right because for me, they are just finding an excuse or someone else to blame for the miserble life that they’re living,not knowing that it’s their own doing that made it that way… because initially, God made everything perfect for man…

giving praise to molded plater of paris to make those saints with eyes that bleed.. going to farfetched lands just to see a rock that showed the image of the Divine… venerating pieces of roses that "fell" from heaven… isn’t it clled idolatry? giving prais and paying homage to an inanimate object…

but despite all this.. i continue to believe in God… in what He said… not what the priest said…

recently… i found a church.. a group of people who i think are more "man"… they share the same beliefe and celebrates sundays by giving thanks to God and by reminiscing His word…

there were no heirarchy in this church… noone is above the other… at a glance you will find them as a simple group of friends studying the bible altogether… i said to myself… i found my church…

feel free to give comments at the statements i gave above that may have given you a feeling of uncertainty or anything…

(MARCH 20, 2006)it was hot, full of people, it actually scared the claustrophobic side of me.. but the hell!!! i really enjoyed the show… it satarted with the peppermint people… with handsome basist and quitarist ( kuya black and kuya yellow!!), an overaged lead, a very thin and fragile drummer and an overacting vocalist.. okei naman sila!! hahaha!!! yun lang ang masasabi ko sa kanila…tapos sumunod yung cand and delight ( i really am not sure of their name…) grabe yung lead sinakop yung buong satge… (ahh… so that’s why i can’t hear the voice of their female vocalist.. na-buffer ng katawan niya yung tunog… whew) then came moonstar**88 with a superb performance.. ganda ng voice nung vocalist (uy,, may pics kame…) basta ganda ng voice tapos yung guitarist nila parang galing brownman sa porma… ahaha!!! their songs really touched my heart.. nakakarelate ehh.. lalo na yung sulat.. hayyy!!! after moonstar88, it was pedicab time!! Diego Mapa was the cutest piece of "porcelained" rock voclaist!! unlike his brother..he really emanated ATTITUDE with the music that they made… then, there was concrete sam ( at first i thought it was concrete jama nd lea thought it was concrete slam!) the vocalist was a hybrid of chester bennington, mike shinoda and jorge estregan!! but he was cool!! their music was so cool, my heart went into fibrillations (gosh! im babbling again)!! After concrete sam was the event of the night!! KAMIKAZEE!! yeeehhheee… jay, led, jomal, puto and allan really rocked my night.. at that point i really didn’t care if the fumes of the "chimeys" behind and in front of me! the band really got the people rolling and wanting more… i really liked the fillers of their program.. the ad lib parts where they’re just joking around and making the people laugh and forget about all their worries..(just waht i needed..) as jay quoted.." hindi na kami yung dating kamikazee.. hndi na kami bastos… hindi na kami nagsasabi ng mga bastos na salita tulad ng titi, pekpek at kantutan!!! ay shet, nasabi ko uli,, sorry.. ^.~" see,, who would not be entertained by that.. just right out of their own personas.. MAHAROT, the titile of their album, is the the best adjective to describe them.. I actually got my mmc memory full because i recorded their performance.. and they’re such good salesmen… they actually made me want to buy their album.. another quotation from jay " inisip ko lang kanina nung papunta ako dito.. magbebenta ako ng t-shirt, magbebenta ako ng t-shirt.. pero nung nakita ko kayo.. talagang nakakataba ng puso!!" so that’s what you call "feet STILL firmly attached to the ground.." despite of there fame (they got a gold record award) they never fail to go back to the people who really helped them get to the top.. lastly,, let us all answer jay’s plea.."pagtripan lang natin, gawin nating number 1 yung Narda for 1 year.. kahit trip lang. tiognan natin kung hanggang kelan siya tatagal.. okei ba un?!

Boredom. as you can see, this is a very lazy word, but once you feel it, it makes you want to do or think about something. Kahit nonsense, basta may magawa lang. As you have already figured out, (i suppose), is that i’m bored. And just random thoughts are running in my mind as i wait for eternity for some crazy situation to arrive in my life. let me tell you about some of these thoughts…

1. Is having a simple life really that simple?

2. Why do gentlemen have to be on the danger side of the street when walking with their girl? Hindi ba sila tatblan pag nahagip sila ng jip??

3. Why does a round pizza being packagewd in a square box?

4. Where do deleted text messages go? do they evaporatate or do they go in a hidden memory in your cp and come back as viruses that destroys your cp after 5 years so that youl buy a new one?

5. How come you’re IN a movie but ON tv?

these are only some of the things that are in my mind now. Psychotic? Lost? Wierd? or just plain BORED? whatever you may call it, i’m opent to critizisms and comments… just call or text me…